(SHUTTLE 54, where are you??)
By: Murat Deligonul
(OUR STORY BEGINS....... OUTSIDE THE ENTERPRISE-D, FLOATS A BOTTLE OF CATNIP, WHICH THEN SMASHES INTO THE HULL, AND EXPLODES...)
(CHEERS & applause)
Data: "Happy birthday, Spot!"
(gives spot a chew toy)
Picard: "Indeed. For our wonderful cat, Spot, I present this fantastic book as a present! May she, one day, become a molecular engineer!"
(gives Spot a book titled "Quantumoleculor Anomalies of the Universe")
Riker: "Ah, yes. As a present, I dedicate this song to Spot!"
(grabs trombone and starts playing theme from 'CATWOMAN')
(more cheers)
(red-alert sounds)
Riker: Damn! This happens on every single episode! The fun starts, then RED ALERT!
(everyone rushes to the bridge)
Worf: "Captain, sensors detecting Romulan Warbird in the area. Armed and ready!" (growls) "I hope this is NOT a peace mission"
Picard: "Well, Number one, shall we blow up the Romulans, now? Or shall we follow the RULES and pretend to be friendly and let them blow us up while we try to hail them?"
Riker: "Uhh... Deanna?"
Troi: "I sense, hostile and-"
Picard: "Ah-HA! That's our clue! Mr.Worf, Phasers! Fire at will!"
(Worf pulls out phaser and shoots Riker)
Riker: "Not me! The Romulan!"
(Worf fires and disentregrates Vulcan sitting at helm.)
Riker: "She's a Vulcan, you yutz! Data, fire a beam of Murgatron or Gurgazoid particles or whatever at the Romulan Warbird! Now!"
(fires the uh.. whatever and Romulans blow up)
Picard: "Whew! Close one!"
Riker: "You bet!"
Picard: "How are to explain that to Starfleet command?"
Riker: "Uhhh.. We'll say it's some shuttle accident."
Picard: "Yes! It always works! Tell the shuttlebay to launch one stray shuttle to make it look like we really lost a shuttle. In case of a surprise inspection!"
(shuttlebay launches shuttle #54 into space)
(LATER THAT DAY, DATA ARRIVES IN HIS QUARTERS TO REVEAL THAT SPOT IS MISSING)
Geordi: "Well, Data, Spot's not in the dilithium crystal case like lasttime, OR the climbing up the warp core. I looked everywhere!"
Riker: "How about setting up some scanner field with extra warp power, one that would lock on to cats?"
Geordi: "Maybe, commander. But I managed to peek forward in the script. There's suppose to be some INTERNAL POWER explosion. Can't take any chances.
Riker: "Uggghhh...keep me posted."
Data: "We must find him, Geordi. Did you check the shuttlebay?"
Geordi: "We searched everywhere! Why would we look in the shuttlebay?"
Data: "I do not know. He likes to go there and scratch his claws on the shuttle seats."
Geordi: (gulp) "What shuttle number?"
Data: "54, that's his favorite."
Geordi: "Oh, no! Oh, no! Data! We just-we-well, let's go to the shuttle
bay!
(WE ARE AT THE SHUTTLEBAY:)
Geordi: "Look, those cat droppings lead to the parking space of (gulp)
SHUTTLE 54! Spot was launched into space with that empty shuttle!"
(THE THREE HURRY BACK TO THE BRIDGE)
Worf: "Scans complete, Data. Shuttle 54 is NOT in the area."
Riker: (sings) "Shuttle 54, where are you?"
Picard: "Anyway, Number 1, that Romulan ship we blew up, well, it was carrying some peace ambassador to the Federation!"
Geordi: "Yeah, right!"
Riker: "Did our, uhh.. little trick work?"
Picard: "Well, I told the big guys at Starfleet Command, they say they were going to bring inspection teams to investigate. In other words...our plan might have worked!"
Data: "What about my cat?"
Picard: "What? Spot? What the hell happened to him (could be her)?"
Geordi: "She, well, she was on the shuttle that we launched."
Data: "We MUST get it back. Or Spot might, die..."
Picard: "We can't!! Starfleet inspection teams will be here in one day and if we have the shuttle here, they'll know we made it up and then what they do, God knows!
Riker: "Who said about bringing the shuttle here? We beam over spot and blow up the shuttle. Pronto."
Geordi: "No, that won't work."
Riker: "Don't tell me you peeked ahead in the script again?!?!"
Geordi: (gulp)
Picard: "Let's get back to the business. Suggestions?"
Data: "We could seperate, then one half look for Spot, while the rest of us wait for the inspection."
Riker: "Good idea. Why not do it?"
Picard: "All right. Nameless helmsman, prepare saucer seperation sequence. Data, Worf come with me to the Battle Bridge."
Riker: "Hey! I want to go to the battle bridge!"
Picard: "Me!"
Riker: "You have to stay, captain. When they come for the inspection, they're going to need to ask you questions."
Picard: (in a childish voice) "No fair! No fair! You went all the other missions, now it's MY turn!"
Riker: "MY TURN!"
Data: "Perhaps a coin toss..."
(Picard tosses coin, Riker wins!)
Picard: "Damn it! Just don't KILL yourself, #1, I won't be there!"
Riker: "Hey! Watch it, baldy! Who was the guy who saved the Federation from the Captain who nearly destroyed the whole Federation when he turned into a BORG,HA?!"
Picard: "Uhh...very well, procede. Make progress updates every 50 minutes."
Riker: "OK, Data, Worf." (walks into turbolift, heads for the Battle
Bridge)
(OUR HEROES SETTLE ON THE BATTLE BRIDGE-AND SEPERATE)
Riker: "All right. Since the shuttle was launched toward the J4444 system, that's where we will go. Data?"
Data: "Aye,sir."
(MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE SAUCER)
Guy at Ops: "Inspection team arriving, captain."
Picard: "Hail them. This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise."
(old man appears on view screen)
Picard: "Do you have enough air, Admiral Zixovsky?"
Old man: "Picard! It's been so long! Anyway, I am coming over with my
little shuttle. Have your people ready. Zixovsky out."
(IN THE SHUTTLEBAY)
(Troi, Picard and Geordi in dress uniforms...)
Picard: "Ughh.. I hate these dress uniforms, they make me look like a woman!
Troi: (giggles) "Indeed!"
Geordi: "Oh,no! I just remembered. We're going to forget to open the shuttlebay door, and Zixovsky's shuttle is going to hit and blow! Let's scream while we have the chance!"
Picard: "Mr.La Forge, peeking ahead in scripts is NOT acceptable behavior!It is a bad habit! Stop doing it!"
Geordi tells the truth, as it turns out- the Admiral's shuttle slams into the hull and blows up into atoms)
Picard: "Whew! That was too close! No more inspection!"
(Suddenly Romulans beam into shuttle bay, grab Picard and Troi, and
beam back up)
(BATTLE BRIDGE)
Riker: "Any luck?"
Worf: "The shuttle is NOT here."
Data: "This area is near Romulan space. Maybe the Romulans took the shuttle?
Riker: "But what would Romulans want with a cat?"
(Beeps)
Data: "I have found the shuttle, sir. It has crash-landed on the 5th planet.
Riker: "Okay, everyone get your phaser rifles and grenades, we are beaming down!"
Data: "Sir, signal coming in from Saucer, Geordi says not to beam down, tr-"
Worf: (growl) "Apparently he has peeked forward again in the script..."
Riker: "Blast him!"
<<<<Energizing>>>>
(ON THE PLANET, RIKER AND CO MEET A GROUP OF WANDERING PEOPLE)
Riker: "Greetings, we come in peace from the United Federation of Plants...Err... planets!"
Wandering guy: "My name is Dr.Zoran. Come with me."
Riker: "All right."
(The group arrive at a large laboratory, where cats are in cages all around the room)
Data: "Fascinating, what do you do here?"
Dr. Zoran: "I kill cats, disect their livers and use their pancreas as my new weapon to blow up stars. Cool, ha?"
Riker: "Uhh..yeah. We were umm.. looking for a cat. It came here a while ago. On a shuttle."
Dr. Zoran: "Ahh yes, the one that came from the shuttle. It is there, by the door."
Data: (picks up Spot) "Let's go."
Riker: "OK, thanks for your help, Dr.Zoran, and good luck in blowing up stars!"
(Dr.Zoran pulls out weapon and fires)
Riker: (takes cover) "ENTERPRISE! Four to beam up! NOW!"
<<<Energizing>>>>
<<<Riker, Data, Worf and Dr.Zoran beam aboard>>>
Riker: (looks at transporter guy) "Not him, you jerk! The cat!"
Transporter guy: "You said four!"
Riker: "DUH! I meant Spot! Now get the cat!"
<<Worf beams back down. Someother cat beams back>>
Data: "That is not Spot!"
Riker: (gives transporter guy a dirty look) "How stupid can you get?? I meant BEAM DOWN ZORAN AND GET THE CAT!!!"
Data: "Uh-oh! Zoran has just left the Transporter Room and is headed toward the bridge."
Riker: "ALL RIGHT! NO PANIC! We'll go by steps."
Riker: "Step 1" (fires and vaporizes transporter guy)
Riker: "Step 2" (beams Worf back)
Riker: "Step 3" (beams back Spot)
Riker: "Whew! And that is that!"
Data: "Correction, Zoran is on the bridge, and he is going to take over the ship..."
Worf: "Phasers on Kill. Stun is too nice."
(Our heros head for the battle bridge)
(MEANWHILE, AT THE ROMULAN SHIP:)
Picard: Counselor?
Troi: "I sense anger... They are angry at you"
Picard (taps comm badge): "Picard to Enterprise...."
<<static crackles>>
Picard: "Oh, great! We must light-years away from the Enterprise."
Troi: "Shhhh! Someone is coming..."
(A Romulan enter the room)
Picard: "I am Captain Picard! Why have you brought us here?!"
Romulan: "I am Commodore ST'ink of the tenkadrillionth order. Why have you BLOWN up our warbird??"
Picard: "Err...it was a shuttle accident!"
Commodore ST'ink: "Of course, and my mother is suppose to be Yogi Bear?"
Troi: "Please, Picard is not lying."
(BACK ON THE SAUCER MODULE)
Geordi: "How's it coming up, Wesley?"
Wesley: "Major Bummer! The Romulan warped the hell outta here, and we don't have warp with this saucer, so we might as well beg for Q to help us
Geordi: (sigh) "Why do I get the hard jobs when I take command?"
Dr.Crusher: "We must get them back. Picard might receive severe brain damage from wearing that dress uniform. Last time he almost needed brain replacement. Like his heart."
Wesley: (to himself) "Brain change for Picard, COOL!"
Geordi: "Anyway I'm going to send a message to Riker, at least he could
chase them..."
(THE BATTLE BRIDGE)
(Data, Worf and Riker taking cover behind panel)
Riker: "Dr.Zoran! Drop your weapon and get the hell off this ship!"
Dr.Zoran: "You first!"
Worf: "He's sitting down. Easy target for phaser..."
Data: "We could signal the transporter room."
Riker: (taps comm badge) "Transporter room!"
(No sound)
Riker: "TRANSPORTER ROOM! DO YOU HEAR ME?"
(No sound)
Riker: "Damn, maybe I shouldn't have killed the transporter guy..."
Intercom: "Uhhh... this is Guinan."
Riker: "Guinan! Whew! You know how to use one of these devices?"
Guinan: "Uh.. I think I can."
Data: "Then can you beam Dr.Zoran back to the planet?"
Guinan: "Hang on..."
<<Transporter beams Riker, Data, Worf and Spot back to the planet>>
Riker: "Oh lawsey, oh lawsey, oh lawsey..."
(ROMULAN SHIP:)
Commodore ST'ink: "Captain, as part of your actions, you will be punished."
Picard: "I told you, it was a shuttle accident! The shuttle blew up, and your ship blew up. It was beyond our control!"
(Suddenly the whole ship rocks like hell)
Intercom: "Commodore, we are under attack! U.S.S. ENterprise, Battle module!
Picard: "Ha! I knew Riker would save us."
Intercom: "This is Dr.Zoran! Surrender your vessel or I blow up the nearbystar..."
Romulan: "You do not scare me Zoran. If you lower your shields, we will surrender."
Intercom: "OK."
(Enterprise lowers shields)
<<<Dr.Zoran beams aboard>>>
Dr.Zoran: "WHAT?! IT WAS THAT BARTENDER! SHE BEAMED ME HERE!"
<<<Romulan fires disruptor and disintegrates Zoran>>>
Romulan: "Now it's your turn, Picard. (aims disruptor)
Picard: "Don't shoot, ST'ink. My body contains Carborate, and when you blow me up, I will explode this whole vessel."
Romulan: "Well, I'll just kill you for the fun of it..." (presses trigger)
<<Guinan beams Romulan to Enterprise>>
(ENTERPRISE TRANSPORTER ROOM)
Guinan: "Hey! You're not Riker!"
Romulan: (aims disruptor at Guinan) "You die, woman. Just like Picard."
Guinan: "Uhhh... I must go to my Sister Act 2 filming!" (leaves room)
(BACK ON THE PLANET)
Worf: "Why did O'Brien have to leave? He was the only guy who could work these transporters!"
Data: "We could get off the planet using shuttle #54." (gets into shuttle)
(Worf & Riker get into shuttle and shuttle blasts into space)
Riker: "OH,NO! The Enterprise is under attack!"
Worf: "This shuttle has no weapons. If they fire on us, we will be (grins) killed."
Riker: "What do we do then, Data?"
Data: "Set a crash course to the Warbird. When we get close, we beam out of here."
Riker: (starts punching in codes) "Yeah, but who's operating the Transporter..."
Data: "Guinan, of course"
Riker:(gulp) "I have a bad feeling about this."
(Shuttle blasts towards warbird)
(BACK ON THE ENTERPRISE- PICARD & TROI FiND A MIRACLOUS WAY TO GET BACK AND ARE IN THE TRANSPORTER ROOM)
Troi: "I sense, fear! Spot in danger!"
Picard: "Where are they?"
Troi: "On the shuttle-"
<<Picard beams back Riker & CO back to ship, just before shuttle hitswarbird and blows it into smithereens>>
Riker: "Thank God! Now THAT'S a shuttle accident!"
Picard: "Yes, we are now saved from annoying Starfleet Burocreacy. No
more inspections!"
(LATER THAT DAY: THE ENTERPRISE COMES TOGETHER AGAIN)
Riker: "How's the crew after finding Spot?"
Troi: "Yes! The crew is in very, very high spirits! First time since captain Picard took command!"
Picard: "HEY!"
Riker: "Great! This day has made us real tired, and I think we all need a good vacation.Wesley, set course for RISA! WARP 9.7!!"
Picard: "Engage!"