Star Trek with Dilbert Management
This section was "stolen" from The Dilbert Newsletter 13.01. To get the Dilbert Newsletter go to The Dilbert Zone.
Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques.
- After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
- Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
- All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
- Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot.
- As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
- Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.
- The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.
- As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).
- Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans.
- A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
- The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises.
and an original one from FRANK...
- The Enterprise is destroyed after the "transparent upgrade" to the power sytems causes the weapon and shield controls to malfunction.