------=< The BIG LIST: How to be... ANNOYING! >=------
- Stand at the pizza bar eating the pepperonis off each slice.
- Articulate your belches.
- When the gang is getting videos, insist on The Three Amigos.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strands, winding it around your finger.
- Redefine a new user's computer prompt to say: SPANK ME.
- Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Fax a paper loop.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Bring a jar of lightning bugs into the movie theater.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
- Never flush, that others may admire your accomplishments.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Insist on keeping all your stationary in the fridge.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Permanently install as wallpaper for someone's computer
desktop a scan of the cover of Prince's Lovesexy album.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the
- Test the echo properties of your shower with Axl Rose
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo,
with the volume properly adjusted.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
while talking to others.
- The Beavis laugh.
- The Butthead laugh.
- Bring your taxidermy hobby along to the office.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts
of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complementary mints by the cash register.
- Discuss your various piercings in intimate detail.
- Construct small animal figures at dinner with toothpicks and
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- Keep National Geographic map supplements such as Trade Routes
of the Inuit in your car's glove compartment.
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's
"Metal Machine Music".
- Leave someone printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.
- Leave little puddles on the toilet seat.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Use perfume inserts from magazines as bookmarks.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Hold long-winded debates about:
- whether January 1st, 2000, is really in the 21st century.
- whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Brutus"
- whether water drains backwards in Australia.
- whether vinyl records sound better than CD's.
- what would happen if the Coyote dropped his Acme Instant Hole on top of himself.
- which axis is the "abscissa" and which is the "ordinate".
- details of the floor plan of the Brady Bunch's house.
- what would happen if gravity reversed.
- whether some infinite numbers are bigger than others.
- whether tomatoes are vegetables.
- whether 2 plus 2 is actually 5 in distant galaxies.
- the International Date Line
- Pronounce potato poe-TAH-toe, and tomato toe-MAH-toe.
- Teach your parakeet to poop on command.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Wear hot-pink eye shadow.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Bring a bushel bag of coupons to the grocery store and demand
their total cash value.
- Play records with a paper cone.
- Order a hamburger without the meat.
- Order a taco without the shell.
- Order a pizza without the crust.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to
your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
- Repeat all of Bob Saget's jokes to your co-workers.
- Speak only in a "robot" voice.
- Sit at the front of the lecture hall and clip your toenails.
- Install only 20-watt light bulbs.
- Write long, ominous letters to the editor demanding that NASA
- Make a heraldic coat-of-arms for each of your pets, including
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and
announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
- Keep hissing cockroaches as pets.
- Wear your beeper to a wedding.
- Purchase a 50,000 candle-power flashlight, and while away many
an evening from a high-story window by spotlighting the butts of
- Cruise around the neighborhood listening to the Carpenters at
- At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- Cross-post all news messages to rec.pets.cats.
- Write Bible verses on your face.
- When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells"
until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Before swallowing Jell-O, squish and slosh it around in your
mouth until it's thoroughly liquefied.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99 copies.
- Leave random, clipped Ann Lander's columns on co-workers'
desks, as if suggesting they could benefit from the advice.
- Insist on brushing your teeth every five minutes.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Sniffle incessantly.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Hold a life-size magazine photo of a face over your own, and
waggle your tongue through a hole where the mouth is.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom
of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it
up", and repeat.
- Make your wine glass "scream" by rubbing a moistened finger
over its rim.
- Freeze bugs in ice cubes.
- Vaguely insinuate that someone's toothbrush or comb was
dropped in the toilet.
- Drive half a block.
- Sprinkle grass clippings on your head and inform the neighbors
you are a "Lawn Goddess".
- Push the end of the scotch tape flush against the roll.
- Glue change to the floor.
- Install twenty mysterious-looking antennas on your car.
- Inform your friends, frequently and at length, how good it
feels to be done with *your* final exams.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Hand out business cards identifying you as the "Maestro of
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Wander through the shoe department sniffing the merchandise.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie
parts back in the tray.
- Claim that you must always wear a football helmet as part of
your "astronaut training".
- Turn your eyelids inside-out.
- Stare intently at someone while scribbling in a small
notebook. Conceal it quickly and whistle absently if approached.
- Wear an overcoat and dark sunglasses to church.
- Pick the lima beans out of your dinner and play "flick
football" with them.
- Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener
it was a "real hoot".
- Occasionally whisper to others that you are entrusted with
- Practice hog calling in a tile bathroom.
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one
- Insist on being the first to sniff fresh mimeograph sheets.
- When visiting someone's home, fish for change under their sofa
cushions. Elaborately display any embarrassing items you uncover.
- Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they
touch with a can of Lysol.
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Insinuate that someone has something stuck to their back.
- Ask for change for a dime.
- Pop an entire sheet of plastic bubble wrap while sitting in
- Lick all of someone's stamps.
- Use' lot's of 'extra' apostrophe's in you're writ'ing.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as Feliz Navidad", or the Archies' "Sugar".
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
- Torment siblings with vivid recollections of all family
get-togethers where they threw up.
- Spend an entire weekend test-driving riding mowers.
- Growl like a pirate and address everyone as "matey".
- Stand outside the window of a restaurant and stare at people
- Hang out every day at a waterbed store wearing an old Navy
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Highlight irrelevant information in textbooks.
- Assemble a collection of EXIT signs.
- Frequently become mesmerized by shiny objects.
- Serve only nachos for Thanksgiving.
- Steer every conversation, no matter how irrelevant, toward a
discussion of the presidency of Millard Filmore.
- When dining out, engage in graphics discussions of medieval
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- When dining in polite society, sculpt yourself a Santa Claus
beard from mashed potatoes.
- Insist that your swordfish be netted, not hooked.
- Construct an elaborate canal system in your front yard.
- Run in circles around a streetlight like a human moth.
- Grow out your nose hair and braid it.
- Teach your parrot to answer the phone and put people on hold.
- Turn street signs ninety degrees.
- Mail a letter with 32 one-cent stamps.
- Assure little kids that they can, in fact, be sucked down the
- Instead of a stapler or paper clips, use duct tape or chewing
- Push all the elevator buttons.
- Build an anatomically-correct snowman.
- Spell your name strangely, such as Jhonne Psmythe, and sue
those who misspell it.
- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of
being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and
demand that people pronounce each A.
- Interrupt people's sentences to inform them of non-existent
food stuck in their teeth.
- Avoid normal text characters, and |_|s3 B1ff sp3/\k \/\/ |-| 3
|\| P0sT1|\|g, |<00l |>00|>.
- Practice the delicate art of picking up pieces of food from
your plate by slurping out and sucking in a particularly sticky
- Shave one eyebrow.
- Cook pasta with cold water.
- Ask people what year it is, and exclaim "Why I'm not even born
- Giggle hysterically at the saddest part of a movie.
- Smile constantly.
- "Rap" everything someone says.
- Cross out the names and reuse old Christmas cards.
- Keep howler monkeys and screech owls as apartment pets.
- Order printed transcripts of gameshows.
- Do your calculus homework with a leaky fountain pen.
- Switch the keycaps on someone's keyboard. Better yet, switch
the key definitions in the computer.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars
to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Excuse yourself from the dinner table to use the bathroom,
flush four times, and when returning, explain "man, that whopper
just wouldn't go down."
- Practice making flatulence noises with your hands.
- Hold a blade of grass between both thumbs and blow on it to
produce a piercing shriek.
- Stare at the menu with a puzzled expression, and repeatedly
ask the waitress, "Zoo you haf zee eels en flambe?"
- Take pictures of your feet, and give them as Christmas gifts.
- Insist on squeezing the last 0.1% of the toothpaste out of the
- Grunt whenever someone sits down.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Suck in spaghetti one strand at a time.
- Pour your soup on your entree "as gravy".
- Fill your front lawn with large home-made metal sculptures.
- Chew your ice.
- In a movie theater, turn around and instead watch the people
sitting behind you.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Tie your tie so that it appears only 5 inches long.
- Root, vocally, for the other team.
- Have a little contest to see whose tongue looks the grossest
on the bottom.
- Write messages in meadows with a bag of fertilizer.
- Plant your ice cold fingers on someone's stomach.
- Ask to "interface" with someone.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster
speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
- Make sonar pinging noises when someone approaches you.
- Write a check for 48 cents.
- Hang out at Hickory Farms consuming all the sample trays.
- Proclaim yourself the Czeckoslovenian ambassador, open a
storefront embassy, and see how many state dinners you can crash.
- See how few legs you can balance your chair on, and act
surprised when you eventually fall over backwards.
- Sing along at the opera.
- See how many straws you can connect end-to-end in a chain and
still consume a beverage with the apparatus.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- Carry a pet chicken with you at all times and claim it is your
- Fill the bathtub each evening and play with your
- Wear a blank nametag.
- At a golf tournament, chant
- Conduct pet weddings.
- Wear green or black lipstick.
- Frown, sniff the air, and ask someone, "Is that you?"
- Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell
the neighbors you are a "spider person".
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
- Attach diskettes to the fridge with magnets.
- For a festive atmosphere, sprinkle glitter everywhere you go.
- Marry yourself.
- Vehemently insist that the cosine of any number is negative
- Whenever a co-worker sneezes or coughs, make elaborate waving
motions at them, and explain that you have a "gift of healing".
- Plant dandelions.
- Use inappropriate nouns as verbs.
- Capitalize words Randomly.
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
- Drop superballs down stairwells.
- Tag pigeons with transmitters and track their movements in
your local park.
- Sell potato chips in the desert.
- Ask Santa for condoms.
- When given change, bit it suspiciously to make sure it's not
- Make new friends by leaving a trail of Reese's Pieces to your
- As part of your Christmas display this year, include half a
- Eat peas one at a time.
- Click your click eraser in and out...in and out...in and out
until you are assaulted.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their
answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
- Ask a plastic surgeon for:
- a second nose.
- earlobe implants.
- butt implants.
- an extra thumb on your forehead to keep your glasses on.
- hair on your eyelids.
- a tracheal harmonica.
- an extra joint in your arm.
- vampire fangs.
- a second bellybutton on your big toe.
- a drink holder on your knee.
- glow-in-the-dark armpit hair.
- a nostril-implanted pencil sharpener.
- all of the above!
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket
- Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
- Change your name to Robert Oot in hopes of getting the
- Demand the right to perform animal sacrifices during exams.
- Drop a test tube, and run from the room screaming "The killer
flu is loose! We're all doomed!"
- Write an entire novel with 5,000 semi-colons and only one
- Paw at someone's head while moaning "brains...brains..."
- Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
- Bet a drinking buddy a quarter you can down his entire drink
without touching it. If he accepts, announce "I lose", slap a
quarter down, and consume his three dollar drink.
- Fidget constantly.
- Demand that all your diskettes be replaced by those who use
them in the little plastic baggies in which you bought them.
- In the back of a crowded room, announce "I see London, I see
- For your party, rent free tapes from the public service
section of the video store. Show "Hepatitus and You" and "Our
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be
saying more any moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Take snapshots of roadkill.
- Mount a chandelier on the front of your car's hood.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
- When posting news articles, be sure to incorrectly set the
wrapping so that a few words
over past the end of each line in your
- Write long, windy letters to the mailbag page of comic books.
- Carry a blank protest sign.
- Send frequent press releases to the local papers detailing the
progress of your personal hygiene.
- Tell knock-knock jokes.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
across the room.
- When pressed for time, write an essay about writing essays.
- When really, really pressed for time, write an essay about
writing essays about writing essays.
- Attempt to make popcorn with a hair dryer.
- Roam the neighborhood digging for buried treasure.
- Crack your knuckles, neck, back, arms, knees, and whatever
other of your appendages produce disconcerting noises. Given a
sufficiently rickety skeletal system, you may be ready to start
again by the time you've finished them all once.
- Play nursery rhymes on the banjo.
- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with
it, announcing the results.
- Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a
nasal Howard Cossell voice.
- Buy a toupee for your two-year-old.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Chug water from an empty vodka bottle.
- Rip the heads off Gummi bears and attach them to differently
colored bodies. Assemble little armies of these Gummi undead and
re-enact famous Civil War battles on your desktop.
- Make little catapults with your pens and pencils and see how
far you can propel staples.
- Poke a very tiny hole in a soda can, shake it up vigorously,
and leave it on a shelf or ledge in a congested area with the
pinhole facing outwards.
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Include your gerbil in your will; leave him your motorcycle.
- Petition to become your own legal guardian.
- While they are otherwise distracted, staple people's clothes
- Make home movies of your bug zapper.
- Install strobe lights in your bathroom.
- Camp recursively: pitch a tent inside a tent.
- Start an all-tambourine band.
- Insist on saving 1,672 back issues of TV Guide because
- you may have missed a few of the puzzles.
- they might be worth something someday.
- they're keeping the stack of 153 National Geographics from
- sometime you might want to see what used to be on.
- moving them might dramatically change the structural
dynamics of your house.
- they have sentimental value.
- you could swear one of them had an article in it somewhere
about your Uncle Joe
- the vermin now inhabiting them are far too icky to risk
- the kids might need them for doing reports.
- Make fifty Xerox copies of your face and use them as Christmas
- See how much gum you can fit in your mouth and still chew.
- Give your friends' phone numbers to Army recruiters.
- Ask the teacher to paddle you, and make a show of enjoying it.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
- Periodically fish your jawbreaker out of you mouth to see what
color it's turned.
- Grow a mustache and beard on only one side of your face.